Whoever said patents were only interesting during epic showdowns between corporations hasn’t heard of the latest gem from Microsoft. The Windows-giant has a plan for beating your phone into submission when it has to be silenced at the speed of light.

Many have already experienced the need for this application at some point or another. Whether it be during a meeting, or at a funeral, cellphones go off at the most inconvenient times, and it takes a few seconds of frantic fumbling before you can switch it off (meanwhile everyone directs accusatory looks your way).

Microsoft has acknowledged this deficiency of smartphones in its patent application: “…there are times when silence is desired. For example, during a meeting or other event, it may be inappropriate to allow the device to emit audio output.”

Roll in the Whack-A-Phone patent.

Patent no. 20120231838, termed “Controlling audio of a device”, details Microsoft’s invention whereby users can control the audio output of their smartphones with a short, sharp swat.

“When a user whacks the mobile device, the mobile device accelerates in response to the user whack.” (excerpt from Microsoft Patent Application)

The types of audio signals that can be controlled with a smack include: a ringing, a ringtone, user-initiated audio, a tone, a played recording, an alarm, or the like. It can also be in response to, or indicate, an incoming call, a message, an update, a reminder for a meeting or event, the playing of music, or a recording.

This technology can be applied to a variety to devices, such as cell phones, smartphones, handheld computers, Personal Digital Assistants (PDA), and can allow wireless two-way communications with one or more mobile communications networks 804, such as a cellular or satellite network.

This handy invention will certainly save precious time (and face) when you have to silence that smartphone. However, do bear in mind that this technology will not turn your smartphone into the equivalent of a punching bag.